Deserving
by DaniMyselfToo
Summary: Post-DH, very Pre-Epilogue. A broken Draco Malfoy adjusts to life as an Ex-Death Eater, depressed and self-loathing. As he resumes Hogwarts schooling, preparing to leave Wizarding society altogether afterwards, he meets the one person who may make him feel worthy of happiness again; maybe even more. Small, vignette-like chapters that explore the courtship of Draco and Astoria.
1. A Chance Meeting

It was cold, but he didn't mind it. Well, to be precise, he felt he deserved to be, at the very least, uncomfortable.

No matter how much the rest of the wizarding world thought he deserved to be punished, Draco Malfoy felt he deserved worse. The guilt for his part in the war, for the second uprising of Voldemort, was a real, live, tangible ache in his chest. He knew he deserved all the stares, the sneers, the items thrown at him, the hexes in the hallways, everything. Sometimes he felt he deserved Azkaban, other times he felt he deserved death.

The spoiled, proud Draco Malfoy had been shattered; he took the hexes flung at him and never retaliated. At first, the other students jeered more at him for being a wimp, but as time wore on, the lack of reaction from Draco made hexing him not as fun as before. They still talked badly about him, loudly so that he could hear, but he knew everything they said was true. It didn't affect him the way they wanted it to, and he didn't care. Being stuck in his own mind was more punishment than they could give him.

All Draco wanted to do was finish school, then go to a Muggle university where he would be unknown. It devastated his mother; not because Purebloods should never stoop so low as to commune with Muggles, but because this war, the Malfoy family involvement in it, had driven her one and only son to the decision to leave wizard society. With her husband in Azkaban, her sister Bellatrix dead, that left her with Draco and her disinherited sister, Andromeda, and exactly none of her former friends. The prospect of her son leaving cleaved her heart in two.

But he couldn't dwell on that, or he'd never leave, and if he didn't leave, his guilt would swallow him whole. He knew he didn't deserve happiness, but he couldn't live with the guilt forever.

Walking outside in the dead of winter, around the newly restored Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, wearing his winter cloak and requisite Slytherin house-colored gloves and scarf, Draco blew out a sigh that hung visibly in the air before dissipating. Only a few more months before he took his N.E.W.T.s, graduated, and disappeared from his former life. This was the one tiny glint of hope he clung to, to help him survive.

A slender girl with dark brown hair that bounced as she walked briskly through the snow, spotted the brooding Draco Malfoy before he saw her. She quickly hopped behind a large tree, spying on him as he walked by. He was always alone, she noted; she knew he had had friends before and during the war, her sister Daphne had said in some unrelated conversation at some point, but one had died in the war, and the other had been shipped off to another wizarding school somewhere in Siberia. Blaise Zabini still counted Draco among his friends, but it was said that he never could reach the platinum-haired young man. Draco avoided everyone, even Slytherins, even his one remaining friend at Hogwarts.

As she watched Draco, the girl felt that she'd never seen another soul alive so in need of a friend. Without putting too much thought into her next move, she stepped out from behind the tree and walked over to the blonde slowly so as not to startle him. When she got to his side, she fell in step with him, not saying anything, waiting for him to notice.

When he finally did, he looked down at her and furrowed his brow.

"Have you lost your way, little girl?" he asked, not quite snidely and without much energy. The girl smirked.

"No, not at all," she replied. "I'm quite familiar. I love taking walks around the grounds. Do you?" Draco cocked an eyebrow at her, but turned his face away, looking straight ahead as before.

"Yes, I do quite enjoy my walks… alone…" The girl noted the emphasis on the last word, but she would not be deterred. She got in front of Draco and turned to him, never missing a step as she began to walk backwards.

"Yes but they're so much more enjoyable when shared with others, don't you think? I'm Astoria." She held her hand out to him as she continued walking. Draco looked down at her hand, and reluctantly shook it with a sigh.

"Draco Malfoy." Astoria smiled at him.

"I know. It's nice to finally meet you. It's nice to finally hear you speak!" Draco frowned at her.

"Yes, well, I'm not much for speaking these days. Astoria what?"

"Greengrass! My sister Daphne is in your year! I'm a 5th year, but in Ravenclaw." She smiled at him, happy that she'd gotten him to carry on a conversation. A brief look of recognition crossed Draco's face, but was soon replaced with the permanent scowl he wore.

"Yes, I know Daphne."

"Do you like to fly, Draco Malfoy?" Draco tilted his head up to face the cloudy sky, briefly lost in memories.

"I used to."

"So… not anymore?" Draco's frowned deepened.

"I don't like much of anything anymore, I'm afraid." Astoria abruptly stopped walking, causing Draco to nearly run into her. He scowled down at the petite Fifth Year, who had a look of both amazement and disdain on her face.

"What?" he asked defensively. Astoria shook her head and stared at him.

"Draco Malfoy, you have got to be the saddest, most depressing person I know. Let's go fly!" With that, she grabbed his hand and pulled him in the direction of the Quidditch pitch.

"Excuse me a moment, Miss Greengrass," Draco protested, digging his heals into the ground to stop her, "But what if I do not WANT to fly?" Astoria, still pulling on his arm, rolled her eyes at him.

"Give me a break, 'Mister Malfoy'," she said mockingly but with a smile, "Any right-minded person wants to fly ALL the time! Now put some pep in your step!" Draco reluctantly allowed himself to be pulled along by this perky girl, too depressed to really put up much of a fight. He figured it would be easier just to placate her and hurry along this process, so that he could go back to his room and resume his self-loathing in peace and quiet.

Once they made their way to the pitch, Astoria retrieved her wand from inside her wool cloak and smiled at Draco.

"Accio Firebolts!" she declared. Draco rolled his eyes and crossed his arms as they waited for Astoria's brooms to come soaring through the sky to them.

"Ooh! Here they come, head's up!" Astoria jumped up and caught one in the air. Draco just stood there unamused and let the other broom fly directly into his hand, never looking at it. Astoria looked at him and smiled.

"Impressive reflexes! You ready to take to the sky?!" Draco rolled his eyes again, but boarded his broom.

"Let's get this over with. I have a very important appointment with my bad attitude that I musn't be late for." Astoria laughed as she boarded her broom and shot up into the air with surprising speed.

"That's the spirit, old man! Catch me if you can!" and with that, she was off. Draco shook his head and begrudgingly smiled, which he quickly recovered from, glad that she hadn't seen it. He sauntered up into the sky lazily, secretly reveling in the feeling of flying again. It had been… he couldn't remember exactly how long it had been, since he'd been on a broom; he didn't allow himself pleasure these days.

Draco climbed up and up, slow but steady, while Astoria zoomed around the pitch at breakneck speed. She noticed him taking his time, and she didn't mind. She'd gotten farther with him than she thought she would. They would go his pace, but she WOULD become his friend, she promised herself. He needed someone that he had no previous ties to, of that she was certain.

She slowed down and breezed over to where Draco had ended his ascent, high over the pitch and the surrounding trees. The wind whipped through his platinum hair, at his shoulders now, longer than it had ever been. The ends of his scarf danced behind him, and he sat on his broom, the closest to content that he had been in years. Up here, he felt, nothing could get to him; he could leave his guilt down on the ground, where it would remain until he came down off his broom, which he knew he would do, because he did not deserve too much of a reprieve. Draco looked around him, finally noticing that the girl had stopped at his side and was gazing at the great expanse of sky. She turned to face him and gave a small smile.

"This is the most peaceful place in the world," she said softly, gesturing to the air, "Don't you love it?" Draco snorted; he loved nothing any more save his mother. Astoria frowned at him, but he turned away from her and spoke.

"It truly is peaceful." Astoria knew that that statement would be the most she would get from him for the time being, and although she had hoped for more, she still deemed it progress. She smiled and nudged him lightly from her broom.

"C'mon, let's go do a few laps before we go back inside. I'm getting chilly!" She waited for him to reply, but he just smirked at her quickly and took off like a shot. Astoria giggled and raced after him. They flew around the grounds a few times, staying up high. When the cold became too much for Astoria, she signaled that she was going to head down. Draco nodded but remained in the sky, continuing to fly laps. Astoria waved to him, knowing that she needed to let him have this moment to himself. She dismounted her broom in the middle of the pitch and walked briskly towards the castle, smiling the whole way.

Draco dismounted his borrowed Firebolt, running his fingers through his windblown hair. He had enjoyed every second of his flight, though his mind battled itself. He didn't deserve pleasure, didn't deserve the brief reprieve from his self-imposed misery. But he couldn't help but feel a little different, like a small, infinitesimal chip of his depression had broken away, making him feel the tiniest bit lighter.

He walked away from the pitch, wondering what time it was, if he had missed dinner. No matter, he thought, I should starve in penance for performing an enjoyable act tonight. Effectively putting himself back into a foul mood, he trudged off to the castle, broom in hand. He thought he'd better find Astoria to return the Firebolt before he was tempted to use it again.

He found the brunette in the Great Hall, sitting at the far end of the Ravenclaw table, nibbling at a piece of bread while absorbed in one of her text books. The Hall was mostly empty as it was nearing the end of dinner time, with only a few stragglers from each house dining at their respective tables. Draco walked briskly over to Astoria, and stood at her side without saying anything. She did not seem to notice him, so engrossed in Ancient Runes, so he cleared his throat. She still did not look up, so he poked her lightly in the side with the broom handle. She squeaked, dropping her book on the table.

"Oh! Draco!" she exclaimed. "I didn't see you! How was your flight?" Draco just nodded in answer.

"I've brought back your broom." He placed the Firebolt on the table in front of her. She looked down at it and smiled back up at him.

"Thank you, although I didn't need it back right away. I'm glad you enjoyed yourself," Astoria said quietly. "Would you like to sit down and eat? Dinner ends in a few minutes." Draco looked as if he was contemplating the invitation, but shook his head.

"No. I'll eat in my room." He turned to leave, but stopped himself. Turning back around, he gave a stiff "thank you" before heading to the Slytherin table. Astoria watched as he grabbed a plate, selected a few items from the platters on the table, and tromped off to his room. She shook her head, but smiled quietly to herself.

On his way to the dungeons, Draco was, thankfully, encountering no other students. He hoped that the trek would go by with no assaults, but upon seeing Weasley, Grainger and Potter turn the corner up ahead, his hopes were dashed. He walked with his head down, trying not to make eye contact with any of the trio. Perhaps, he thought, if he didn't look them in the eye, they wouldn't notice him.

"Malfoy." Harry Potter had stopped to address Draco. The blonde stopped as well, sure that this would result in a hex or curse of some fashion. He turned around to face the group.

"…Potter." Harry walked closer to the Slytherin, looking reluctant to speak as well.

"How… how have you been?" Harry asked. Draco looked at Harry, then over to Hermione and Ron, with a questioning look, as if to say "Why is he talking to me?"

"Uhm… well, Potter. Well." Draco regarded him carefully, expecting a fist to the face or a hex or SOMETHING hateful. Potter just nodded curtly.

"Good to hear. Talk to you later." And with that Harry turned back to Hermione and Ron, who looked at him curiously. Draco watched the Golden Trio walk away, Weasley whispering fervently to Potter on one side, and Grainger regarding him quietly on the other. He shook his head and resumed his trek to the dungeons, contemplating the past few hours.

"This has been the oddest damned day," he said to himself quietly.


	2. Stay

"I'd like to see you before you leave for lunch, Mister Malfoy," Professor Slughorn said to Draco, as the boy placed his "Advanced Potions and Apothecary" book into his satchel. Draco nodded and slung his bag over his shoulder, walking up to the professor's desk as the remaining students cleared out of the classroom.

"Yes sir, Professor?" Slughorn turned from the shelf he was returning books to, facing the student and giving him a slight smile.

"What are your plans, post-Hogwarts?" he asked Draco, who froze. He had not divulged to anyone except his mother that he planned to excuse himself from Wizarding society and attend a Muggle university. He was so taken off guard that he couldn't formulate a proper lie, so he went with the typical seventh year slacker answer.

"I hadn't really given it much thought, I'm afraid," Draco fibbed. He looked at the professor with what he hoped was a convincingly abashed look. Professor Slughorn smiled widely.

"How serendipitous!" he exclaimed. "I wanted to offer you an opportunity to intern with me next term, perhaps even student-teach!" Draco was surprised. He knew he had always excelled at Potions, but never had he imagined that he'd be considered for such an opportunity, especially given his recent war affiliations.

"Oh," he managed after the initial shock wore off, "Are you sure, Professor? I'm sure there are other, more-"

"Quite sure, quite sure!" Slughorn interjected. "Professor Snape raved – well, as much as Snape would allow himself to rave, you see – about-"

"I heard that, you lumpy lout!" The portrait of the late Professor Snape bellowed from Slughorn's office, adjacent to the classroom. Slughorn rolled his eyes and waved off the portrait's interruption.

"As I was saying, Professor Snape was quite impressed with your acumen in Potions, and I have seen firsthand how talented you are, Mister Malfoy. I do hope you'll consider this opportunity; please let me know your decision before the end of this term. That's roughly two months from now." Professor Slughorn smiled with hope at Draco, who was still reeling at being offered the opportunity and at realizing that Snape had been appreciative of his abilities. He nodded at the stout professor before him.

"I will give it some thought, Professor. Thank you." Professor Slughorn smiled and clapped his hand on Draco's shoulder.

"Excellent! Excellent! Now, get on to lunch before it's been cleared off!" With that, the professor turned back to his desk, leaving Draco to head back up to the Great Hall.

The boy contemplated this new development while he took his time walking the halls. It had definitely not been in his plans to remain in the wizarding world, and outside of his mother, he didn't really believe anyone would care if he stayed or vanished. Well, that wasn't entirely accurate anymore, as of late.

Draco walked into the Great Hall, scanning the room for his new… acquaintance. He refused to use the word "friend", because he shouldn't be allowed to have something as good as that. No, Astoria Greengrass was just an acquaintance, a nuisance really, that had inserted herself into his depressing existence and managed to brighten it up a teeny, tiny bit. They'd flown laps around the Quidditch pitch many times, taken long walks where Astoria did most of the talking, and the brunette had even gotten the brooding Slytherin to accompany her to Hogsmeade a time or two. Although he felt guilty admitting it, he had enjoyed her company, as it distracted him from thinking of his impending departure.

However, the internship offer from Professor Slughorn buzzed around Draco's mind, and made him question his plans. He didn't WANT to leave wizarding society, but he did not feel as if he had a place in it any longer. How could he, after all he'd been involved in? But this offer to intern at Hogwarts gave him the smallest glimmer of hope, that perhaps he did have some purpose in this world; perhaps he could create some good out of this life.

Draco spotted Astoria sitting amongst several fifth year Ravenclaws at their house table, most notably a chestnut-haired, freckle-faced mouth breather named Roland Abberley. The oaf was all but salivating as he pressed close against Astoria's right side as she told a story, hanging to every word she said while surreptitiously sliding his hand down the bench past Astoria's derriere, attempting to cop an "accidental" feel.

Draco walked purposefully over to the Ravenclaw table and, sticking his arm between Abberley and Astoria, plopped his bag down loudly. The noise startled the boy and he involuntarily slid away from Astoria in surprise, allowing Draco enough room to sling a leg over and straddle the bench, facing Astoria with his back towards Abberley. Astoria, having recovered quickly from the startling noise, smirked at Draco, whose face remained impassive.

"Good afternoon," he drawled, mentally noting the looks he was receiving from the other Ravenclaws that had been in conversation prior to his arrival. Typical, he thought as he registered their soured looks through his periphery. One would think they'd have gotten used to seeing him by now, since he and Astoria had been seen publically together at least a handful of times.

"Same to you," Astoria replied with a chuckle. "What brings you to this neck of the woods?" Draco propped his left elbow up on the table and leaned lazily against his hand.

"I have some interesting news that I wanted to share with you. Can I walk you to your next class?"

"Absolutely, Mister Malfoy," Astoria replied jovially as she stood up and attempted to gather her bag together. Draco stood at the same time and grabbed her bag from her, shouldering both his and hers, and gestured towards the door. Astoria looked quizzically at him.

"Aren't you going to eat anything?" Draco looked back down at the table and grabbed a half a turkey sandwich on rye. He looked back at her and nodded. Astoria shook her head and said goodbye to her house mates, who looked at her in semi-disbelief. Draco looked back and was delighted to notice Ronald Abberley looking deflated.

Once they were out in the hallway, Astoria turned to Draco with an expectant look on her face.

"Well? What is your news?" Draco nodded at the reminder.

"Professor Slughorn has offered me an internship in Potions next year here at Hogwarts." Astoria smiled widely at him as they walked through the corridor to one of the many staircases.

"Draco, that's brill!" she exclaimed. "That's quite a compliment to your abilities." Draco shrugged his shoulders.

"Slughorn even said that Professor Snape had made comments on my abilities when he was here. I'd no idea he even noticed." Astoria snorted, which caused Draco to look at her sternly. The girl laughed at his facial expression.

"Draco, you ARE aces at Potions," she complimented, "I've been with you when we're studying, and you've even helped me with some of the tougher stuff in my homework, remember? You breeze through it like it's First Year level or something!" Draco smirked a bit, and Astoria continued.

"Think of what other doors this internship could open up for you. You could become an alchemist, you could help discover or create new cures for thus-far incurable diseases, you could even take over for Slughorn and teach! The codger's getting on in years, you know…" Draco finally did let out a small chuckle, but shook his head.

"The thing is, I had other plans after seventh year ended. This internship would change them completely." He thought of his plans to leave once again, and of how happy his mother would be if he accepted the Slughorn's offer. The words "stay" and "leave" seemed to be screaming and whirling around in his mind causing further internal confusion.

Astoria regarded the boy, squinting her eyes at him, and then suddenly stopped walking, staring at Draco with an imperceptible look on her face. Draco continued a few steps before he noticed she was not by his side. He turned around and gave her a confused look.

"What's the matter?" he asked. Astoria continued to stare, and then shook her head. She caught up with him and continued on up the stairs with a sigh.

"Draco," she began, "please tell me you're at least considering this opportunity." Draco noted an almost pleading tone to her voice.

"I am considering it," he said as he handed off her school bag to her, gently settling the strap on her shoulder. As Astoria grabbed the strap to keep it from falling, her hand grazed Draco's and the subtle tingling sensation it left her with caused her to look up at the blonde boy. She noticed Draco regard his own hand with a curious look on his face; so she hadn't been the only one to feel something.

Astoria reached out for Draco's hand and held it between them; he looked at her with the same curious look as before and wondered to himself at the expression on Astoria's face. She was half smiling, but there was something in her eyes he couldn't place. It wasn't easy to think when he could hear his heart beat in his ears and feel an odd sensation in his hand that she held.

"I hope you stay," Astoria whispered, "I would miss you terribly." With that, she let go of Draco's pale hand and ran off to her Ancient Runes class, leaving a bewildered Draco Malfoy on the stairs.

After dinner, Draco sat in the library, attempting to focus on his Arithmancy problems but to no avail. He could not stop thinking about his moment with Astoria on the stairs that afternoon. Did she really consider him that good of a friend? But it seemed like something more. Was it more? How MUCH more? Should he stay for her? WHY would he stay for her? Well she was tolerable… But MORE than "tolerable"? HOW much more than "tolerable" was she? Wait, did he LIKE her? Like, LIKE like her?

Draco's head was spinning, and he didn't know what to make of the conversation. Just as he was about to attempt once again to put it behind him and focus on cursing Professor Vector up, down and sideways for this homework, a small scroll tied with a blue and silver ribbon floated up to his table and plopped down on his parchment. Draco looked around, but found no one in his immediate vicinity.

He untied the ribbon and unfurled the scroll, reading the semi-messy but entirely girlish print.

"_Draco,_

_I need to speak with you, post haste. Meet me by the portrait of the fruit._

_Astoria"_

A fluttery feeling erupted in his stomach, which he regarded as highly unusual for him. Intrigued, he packed up his work and stowed the floating scroll away in his bag. He strode out of the library and down to the basement corridor where the portrait of fruit resided.

Upon arrival, he found Astoria sitting on the cold floor, writing in a book by wandlight. She didn't seem to hear him approach, so he coughed quietly to announce himself. Astoria looked up and gave him a nervous smile. She tucked the book and quill in her bag, and stood up. Only one small lantern lit up the corridor at this section, so Draco walked closer to see her better.

"I got your note," he said with more confidence than he felt. Astoria nodded but looked at the floor.

"Draco," she began at a whisper, "Please don't leave the wizarding world."

Draco reeled back in shock. He hadn't told a single soul about his plans except Narcissa, he hadn't even written it down anywhere.

"How did you know about that? Only my mother knows about that." Astoria sighed and pushed back her hair, finally looking up at him.

"I… I can hear thoughts." Draco stepped back and sneered at her.

"You used Legilimency on me!" he accused, suddenly disgusted at both her and himself. He hadn't even detected that she was poking around his mind. He wasn't keeping on his toes like he should be, and he trusted this wisp of a girl.

"No Draco," Astoria said calmly. She knew this was the reaction he'd have, although she had hoped for better. "I said I can 'hear' thoughts. I did not 'read' them; I didn't enter your mind. I heard you thinking. It's different."

"Exactly how is that different, Greengrass?" Draco roared. "You still found out something very private about me! Something if I'd wanted you to know, I would have TOLD you!" He was livid, she could see that. But she soldiered on; there was so much more she needed to say.

"Draco, I didn't do it on purpose," she began. "I can't hear thoughts that aren't… 'loud' enough to hear, I guess is the only way to explain it. And earlier today, when you were telling me about Slughorn's offer, it was as though your thoughts were charmed with a Sonorus spell!" She looked at him almost pleadingly, hoping that he would believe her. Draco gave her a sardonic look.

"Oh, so you're what? A telepath?" Astoria shrugged her shoulders.

"I guess so," she answered. "I've been able to hear thoughts for as long as I can remember. Trust me, it isn't always fun. But thankfully it takes the 'louder' thoughts for me to really be able to hear them. I don't try to use the ability, honestly. Sometimes though, it just happens." Draco seemed to contemplate this; he'd only known Astoria a short time, but she had always seemed trustworthy and sincere. He didn't feel like there was a need to mistrust her, but he still wasn't happy.

"Please do not tell a single soul about what you 'heard' in my head today," he asked sternly. Astoria shook her head emphatically.

"I won't Draco, you have my word." She reached for his hand and held it tight. The same tingle spread through their hands upon contact, and they looked at each other quizzically.

"So... why does that happen?" Draco asked. Astoria, still looking at their hands, shook her head again.

"I don't know. Has it ever happened before, with anyone else?" She asked, almost shyly. It was Draco's turn to shake his head.

"No, never. You?"

"No."

Draco and Astoria stood there in the corridor, staring alternately at their clasped hands and then at each other's faces. Neither seemed to want to let go, but neither seemed to want to speak either. They weren't sure how long they contemplated one another in this way, but the moment was broken by Argus Filch's gruff voice.

"Oy! Students shouldn't be out so close to curfew! If I catches you, it'll be detention for a week!" Draco and Astoria sprang apart. Astoria gathered her book off the floor, gave Draco a quick grin and ran off for Ravenclaw tower. Draco nodded in return, and sauntered away down to the dungeons. Neither student ended up getting much sleep that night, for thoughts of their evening and the tingling consumed their thoughts for hours.


End file.
